Thursday, 29 July 2010


Oh crap!

It took me some time to build up the courage to put myself on line.
I have been very worried how I would react if someone I know 'found me'.

It has happened. I just recived a friend request on facebook from someone I know who 'dosn't know' if you know what I mean. Having said that if they have sent the request then I assume they have read some of what I have posted and seen my photo.

I know the person well enough to know that they wouldnt just randomly approach people, but I have no idea what their views are on my 'situation'.

Not sure weather to hide under the sofa and hope it all goes away or to tell all and see what happens.

It has now been about 6 hours since i found the request and all I can do is just stare at it and fret...

Need hugs.

Love (and hugs) to all



I am having grief with keratin.
For those who dont know - that is the stuff which hair and nails are made from.

I, like many others shave all the hair from certian areas of the body, and why not. I enjoy doing it - it is relaxing, I enjoy how it feels, it makes me feel good inside. BUT

God I hate ingrown hairs, I get dozens of the things. I seem to get 1 week o smoothnes followed by 3 weeks of ingrowns before they have all broken free and I can get rid of them again.


Also, nails. I have been trying to grow them out a bit to see if I can not chip them on everything, (I dislike false nails) I'm not doing to bad although I do need more practice at cutting my right hand.

I have started to grow my (head) hair long again - means I overheat more but makes me feel better, I daren't style it as everyone at home and work would get a tiny bit suspisios but there we go.

love to all.


Monday, 19 July 2010

Titles we give ourselves

As iI have traveled down this road I have started to find out things about myself which I already new but had been in denial about.

When I first started this I called myself a bit of a freak, I did not understand.

Then I came across some other terms. I became a crossdresser.
I have become more comfortable with the term transvestite after getting past the social 'trans' stigma.

My understanding of each term pushes me towards each tag.
Please be advised these are just my thoughts on the subject, not anything from a dictionary.
To me crossdresser means someone who merely dresses in fem,
A Transvestite starts to act in a feminine way,
A Transgendered person does NOT act as their birth gender (but not necessarily as the opposite)
A Transsexual has either had GCS or is going to.

Then you have your own sexual orientation, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, poly etc.

but I am rambling.

Many years ago I had a bad encounter with a young male, for the record I have nothing against any one of any orientation - but he tried to force things and made me a bit homophobic.

So where does this leave me now?

A wannabe bisexual, transgendered, part time transvestite, mildly homophobic, confused individual living the straight life.


The whole reason for doing any of this is to look at who I am. Who do I want to be?
As I type this I start to feel a bit more at ease with things, (still a mixed bag of thoughts ) I don't know who I want to be - but I know what I don't want.

Considering what I am, I do not want to be a person with any prejudice. It would be a bit hypocritical.

I suppose what I want is what anyone wants, to be accepted for who and what they are.

I want to be me.

I hope that made some sense to someone out there.
made me feel better.

Love to all.


Sunday, 18 July 2010

Is my being depressed a good thing?

Yes I know, this sounds like a daft question.
but seriously.

I have spent most of my life with one emotion - Interference. not joy, not sadness, just plain boring middle ground.

Recently I have found myself straying from the norm, and this does scare me a bit.

Does my early see-sawing mean I am becoming more unstable or that the greater trans thing is starting to open me up a bit?

As I read other peoples blogs I am struck with one constant thing, as they have progressed they have started to cry more. God I want this... I know how daft this sounds but I have so much built up inside me that I am just not able to release. I have put some of this down to what I call social programming, it is not socially acceptable for a male to cry - even with joy. :-(

I am finding that as I try different mental setups (guy, Girl, dressed up Girl) I am finding it a little easier to break out of this programming but with 27 years of programming to break - it is taking some doing.

I am planning a sort of experiment to help me release some of the backed up tears, dress up, get the mind 'right' and watch a film with strong emotions that i wouldn't feel embarrassed crying at,
Apollo 13
all have extremes of high and low emotion.

As I said at the start, is my being depressed a good thing? Am I breaking up or or starting to venture out in to the wide world of sadness and joy. I hope so.

I have often said about a lot of things, 'You cant have good days unless you have bad days to compare them to'.

I shall cross my fingers.

Love to all

Saturday, 17 July 2010

And so it begins

I guess there are many reasons to start a blog, some have things to show off, others as a way to stay in contact with people they know.

I'm still working on that, I don't really know anyone out there although I do ghost read a few blogs I have come across.
I don't have anything to show of to the world and it takes most of my fragile courage to even put myself on this site.

I have been trying to work out what it is that i want from this at times, do I want to stay quietly hidden and reveal myself in my own time or would I be ok with people I know (and don't know) finding me. I seem to change my mind on an almost daily basis.

I started my tentative steps in to the web from facebook, but have found the character limit to low to get my thoughts down in one piece.

hope to speak to you all again soon.