Sunday, 26 September 2010

big scary world - part two

So, on to Saturday.

Saturday, oh Saturday,
What a day that was,
I would do it all again you know,
and all because, because.

Due to the uplifting evening I had had on Friday,
(Dear Yank, its my language - I can do what I like with it)

For the first time ever;
I felt good enough to 'dress' properly even though I knew we were going out that morning.
I chose to wear female everything, (I think my glasses are from the male range but that is all)
The only thing I didn't wear were my forms.

We went to a car boot sale and then for a trip around some of Parkstone's charity shops.

I must have walked for several miles around the towns, gees my feet hurt. I have large blisters on both feet from where I am not used to long distances in those shoes.


Felt great though. (did I mention they were 1' 1/2" heels)

I have to admit that I felt nervous at times, the hardest one was walking out the front door.

I have no idea what people thought when they saw me but for the most part, I didn't care.
I was happy to just be out there being myself.

I know that at least one lad 'made' me, and I also heard his girlfriend hit him.

The one instance that gave me the biggest fright was in the last shop we were visiting, I heard my name, turned round and there was one of the ladies from work.
I said hi back and made a hasty retreat to the other end of the store. I have no idea what she 'saw' when she saw me, I will probably find that out on monday.

The whole day was incredibly nervewracking and totally worth it.

I would defiantly do it again (only this time i would wear short socks to keep away the blisters)

All in all a very good weekend if a little draining.


love and hugs to all.


big scary world -part one


So for me it has been an interesting 2 days.

(This is day one)

Went to the doctors on Friday for a few things, my asthma checkup was due, I had a rash on my leg and wanted to discuss GID (gender identify disorder).

My asthma is doing well with a peak flow of over 600,

My rash is apparently a fungus (yuck) and I have been prescribed some cream to make it go away.

And then we got to GID...

I kind of started talking at that point (felt good) I told her about what I felt, how long I can trace it back to, what effects it both has had and is having on me both physically and mentally. She asked me what my friends and family thought and what my other half thought and weather it would cause any problems in our relationship.

She is not a specialist by any means on the subject and I suspect I am her first case. (But she did seem like she had read the relevant training leaflet and she asked the right questions) I felt comfortable talking to her and I made an effort to display that I am of sound mind and that I have done a lot of research on the subject.

I made it clear that I did not (and still don't) know how far down this road I may go but I still have momentum in the direction I am going.

Another item I wanted to make clear to both her, myself and you the reader is that I want to take this carefully.

I have been brought up to take things carefully (mothers fault)

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks, and one extra reason I wanted to let the doctor know my situation is due to an unfortunate statistics.

The largest cause of death among trans people is suicide.

Now before you all look on in horror - I am fine, yes I have bad days where everything seems stacked against you but so does everyone.. (And I have good days like this one to)

I have been thinking about that a lot (the statistics not suicide) and thought it best for someone in the medical profession to be aware of my situation/condition.

Anyhows, she listened good and made some notes and she has told me that she will talk to some colleagues and find out some more on what is out there. Part of my reason for telling her was because I have been unable to find either support groups or psychologist within 50 miles of where I live.

She told me she would give me a phone-call when she had been able to find out some info.

That evening me and my girlfriend watched a film and I was overjoyed that I was able to cry at it a little. This means a lot to me as I find it very hard to cry - but very good for the soul when I do. I think the talk with the doctor helped somewhat.

It also left me in a good enough state that I was able to do something spectacular on the Saturday. (To follow in next chapter.

Time for dinner.

Love and hug to all.


Friday, 24 September 2010

still here, still mad

Well I haven't posted in a while but I am still here.

Still trying to balance what I want, What work wants, What my other half wants, what my family wants. failing at several of those.

I have told my brother now, not sure what he thinks about it.
that brings the number of people who know (excluding online only people) to a massive 5

my other half - who doesn't mind and does her best to be supportive
my mother - who isn't sure
my brother - who keeps whatever he thinks hidden
the yank - who i don't think minds
the yanks beloved - who has offered to go shopping - so i assume she is OK.

I got my ears pierced last Friday, two little gold studs.
today i go to the doctors, routine checkup, and i intend to mention 'gender identity disorder'. not sure how that will go.

I have come so close to leaving the house 'dressed' several times now - i think it will get a little easier as the nights draw in a bit as the darkness helps to hide things.

kind of looking forward to Halloween for once - traditionally an excuse for us trans girls to go walkabout.

I have tracked down and spoken to someone who I used to know a little who has had the SRS in January - but she lives way up north. but the chat was good.

I feel like i am rambling a bit but it is good to get my thoughts out.

I have never been one to remember my dreams, but last night i was defiantly 'Joanne' it feels a bit strange.

I want to get in to the habit of taking more photos of myself - partly because there are very few for the last 10 or more years. this might be because i have never had a high regard for my own image and i have no 'male' fashion sense.

what else has happened since i last posted...
Oh yes, I bought a simple plain handbag and now use it daily for all my standard junk - no more bulging pockets. i even use a purse for coins and i have stopped feeling daft for getting it out and using them in public.

well that ll do for now.

hope to type again soon

love and hugs to all


Saturday, 7 August 2010

housework, shoes and you lot

Eh, another dreary weekend.
dull outside and dull inside.

I have decided to try and get some of the housework done and just like many others I find that I do a better job and enjoy it more if I first spend the best part of 45 minutes in front of the mirror.
15 min trying to remove that little bit of stubble,
5 min combing hair, 7 min for the nails (need to get some clear varnish), 3 min for lip gloss.
and an absolute age looking at shoes.

It is odd really, I spend a lot of my 'guy' time criticizing how long it takes others to get ready and asking why so much of their closet is filled with shoes.
I really cant see what the issue is - I mean I only have 8 pairs (wnatmoreshoes,wantmoreshoes) and I can get ready in the mornings in less that 4 min (except at the weekends when is can easily take an hour or more).

I am such a hypocrite at times.

I do however suffer the bane of all T-girls trying to find shoes that fit. size 8-9 wide fit with a bit of heel cant be to much to ask, can it?

I have spent a bit of time recently 'googleing' around trying to find some groups of like minded people to meet up with, chat to, or just support but that seems to be harder than I thought it would be.
I mean I live near Bournemouth on the south coast which has a large LBGT pride event every year. I know it has lots of gay/lesbian clubs but I cant find any trans.
Ok, not quite true, I have found the one for under 25s designed to help the young ones work out who they are but it is council supported and once you pass 25 they aren't interested, and I have found the one for the over 65s which I don't get close to. I can't find anyone in the late 20s/ early 30s.

Where is everyone?

Want hugs. #pout#

#shrug# oh well time to get on with one of the jobs that sucks - the vacuuming :-)

love to you all

Thursday, 29 July 2010


Oh crap!

It took me some time to build up the courage to put myself on line.
I have been very worried how I would react if someone I know 'found me'.

It has happened. I just recived a friend request on facebook from someone I know who 'dosn't know' if you know what I mean. Having said that if they have sent the request then I assume they have read some of what I have posted and seen my photo.

I know the person well enough to know that they wouldnt just randomly approach people, but I have no idea what their views are on my 'situation'.

Not sure weather to hide under the sofa and hope it all goes away or to tell all and see what happens.

It has now been about 6 hours since i found the request and all I can do is just stare at it and fret...

Need hugs.

Love (and hugs) to all



I am having grief with keratin.
For those who dont know - that is the stuff which hair and nails are made from.

I, like many others shave all the hair from certian areas of the body, and why not. I enjoy doing it - it is relaxing, I enjoy how it feels, it makes me feel good inside. BUT

God I hate ingrown hairs, I get dozens of the things. I seem to get 1 week o smoothnes followed by 3 weeks of ingrowns before they have all broken free and I can get rid of them again.


Also, nails. I have been trying to grow them out a bit to see if I can not chip them on everything, (I dislike false nails) I'm not doing to bad although I do need more practice at cutting my right hand.

I have started to grow my (head) hair long again - means I overheat more but makes me feel better, I daren't style it as everyone at home and work would get a tiny bit suspisios but there we go.

love to all.


Monday, 19 July 2010

Titles we give ourselves

As iI have traveled down this road I have started to find out things about myself which I already new but had been in denial about.

When I first started this I called myself a bit of a freak, I did not understand.

Then I came across some other terms. I became a crossdresser.
I have become more comfortable with the term transvestite after getting past the social 'trans' stigma.

My understanding of each term pushes me towards each tag.
Please be advised these are just my thoughts on the subject, not anything from a dictionary.
To me crossdresser means someone who merely dresses in fem,
A Transvestite starts to act in a feminine way,
A Transgendered person does NOT act as their birth gender (but not necessarily as the opposite)
A Transsexual has either had GCS or is going to.

Then you have your own sexual orientation, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, poly etc.

but I am rambling.

Many years ago I had a bad encounter with a young male, for the record I have nothing against any one of any orientation - but he tried to force things and made me a bit homophobic.

So where does this leave me now?

A wannabe bisexual, transgendered, part time transvestite, mildly homophobic, confused individual living the straight life.


The whole reason for doing any of this is to look at who I am. Who do I want to be?
As I type this I start to feel a bit more at ease with things, (still a mixed bag of thoughts ) I don't know who I want to be - but I know what I don't want.

Considering what I am, I do not want to be a person with any prejudice. It would be a bit hypocritical.

I suppose what I want is what anyone wants, to be accepted for who and what they are.

I want to be me.

I hope that made some sense to someone out there.
made me feel better.

Love to all.